Alway, Never, Forever

I have a curiousness about the word, "always." Perhaps I could leave it out of my lexicon. Always. And forever. And never. These words contain the stuff I'm trying to shed from myself, my wife, attachments and desires and expectations.
When I think of these words. I think to myself, will this go on forever? These words? Do I want it to? Do I want them to? Will I always do this? Feel this? Want this? Do I want to sleep in this bed forever? Do I want to participate in this domesticated lifestyle forever? Will I always be here? Will it always be this way? Will he always sneeze and snore in his sleep? Will I always have to wear earplugs to buffer that noise? Will I never get out of here? Will I never change the patterns that keep me from being free?

I used to sit on this bus (I'm on the bus today) with an immobilized leg taking up a majority of the seats in the handicapped section. Will I always take up this much room? Will I always walk with a limp? I used to Google never and always. Will the bone never heal? Will the quadricep be feeble forever? But here I am, at the back of the bus, 8th row in, next to a blonde bearded fellow in headphones. I'm pretty sure he's listening to Pantera. These people and their morning smells won't always smell this way. No, throughout the day, this hot motherfucking day, their smells will shift to animal and mineral. Their smells won't last forever.

Let's pretend the words always, forever and never don't exist. Let's make sounds with them and feel specific ways when saying them, but let's pretend they aren't there. Because maybe they aren't. You can't box these words or package them in cellophane. They don't come in high gloss or carry robust flavors. These words are not cockroaches. We cling to these words and allow ourselves to convince us that they're true. How could they not be? How could our breakfast lives ever change? How could those pair of jeans not fit anymore? How could he stop living? How could they stop loving each other? It will never happen. It will always be this way. I will always wear athletic socks in sneakers. I will never drink Pepsi. I will be a little girl forever.

A dream

I'm in a parking garage with Beckett. We are climbing up a metal ladder to get to my car. She makes it to the top of the ladder and looks down at me. I tell her to stay right where she is until I am all the way up. There is only a foot or two of space to walk on, and a steep 30 foot drop-off everywhere else. I'm afraid she's going to fall. I try to speed up, but my knee aches. I get to the top of the ladder and again tell her to stay still. She puts her foot out and moves over the edge. I watch her fall. I see her land, face-up, still smiling. I'm terrified as I make my way back down the ladder. I try not to sob. I don't want to see her hurt. I don't want there to be anything wrong with her. I choke back tears and scoop her into my arms. She's still smiling and asking me what is wrong. I hesitate to examine the back of her head for blood and broken bones. I'm too terrified of what I may find. She continues to smile. I pull her in tightly, inhaling her warmth and breath into my own. I wake up.

Process Mundane

If you aren't totally sick of getting crap in your inbox that you more than likely will never read, then the new project I'm working on is the one for you! Process Mundane is an ongoing series of emails and seminars designed to help those who face daily drudgery take a microscopic look at their drudge. Gleaning inspiration from self help evangelism, Allan Kaprow, and Alan Watts, Process Mundane takes a deeper look into the roots of monotonous tasks, evaluates each task, and offers people alternative ways of performing each task. The end goal for Process Mundane is to give a sense of play and creativity to the particularly lackluster moments most people tend to forget about.

I initially launched Process Mundane as part of the 2012's Open Engagement conference. The response to the seminar was splendid, so I have since decided to expand the project to the interweb and eventually other speaking venues.

Interested in getting a shiny Process Mundane email from your's truly? Please send me a note and I'll pop you on the mailing list.