I have a curiousness about the word, "always." Perhaps I could leave it out of my lexicon. Always. And forever. And never. These words contain the stuff I'm trying to shed from myself, my wife, attachments and desires and expectations.
When I think of these words. I think to myself, will this go on forever? These words? Do I want it to? Do I want them to? Will I always do this? Feel this? Want this? Do I want to sleep in this bed forever? Do I want to participate in this domesticated lifestyle forever? Will I always be here? Will it always be this way? Will he always sneeze and snore in his sleep? Will I always have to wear earplugs to buffer that noise? Will I never get out of here? Will I never change the patterns that keep me from being free?
I used to sit on this bus (I'm on the bus today) with an immobilized leg taking up a majority of the seats in the handicapped section. Will I always take up this much room? Will I always walk with a limp? I used to Google never and always. Will the bone never heal? Will the quadricep be feeble forever? But here I am, at the back of the bus, 8th row in, next to a blonde bearded fellow in headphones. I'm pretty sure he's listening to Pantera. These people and their morning smells won't always smell this way. No, throughout the day, this hot motherfucking day, their smells will shift to animal and mineral. Their smells won't last forever.
Let's pretend the words always, forever and never don't exist. Let's make sounds with them and feel specific ways when saying them, but let's pretend they aren't there. Because maybe they aren't. You can't box these words or package them in cellophane. They don't come in high gloss or carry robust flavors. These words are not cockroaches. We cling to these words and allow ourselves to convince us that they're true. How could they not be? How could our breakfast lives ever change? How could those pair of jeans not fit anymore? How could he stop living? How could they stop loving each other? It will never happen. It will always be this way. I will always wear athletic socks in sneakers. I will never drink Pepsi. I will be a little girl forever.