wresting match

Places I'd like to have an arm wrestling match: Under a beach umbrella in Bocas Del Toro

While getting my hair washed in a hair salon

In a junior high school locker room

Under my 3rd cousin Annie's coffee table in Coney Island

In a hospital bed

While swimming in a murky New England pond

While rolling down a pastoral hill

While waiting in line for an ice cream cone

In the shark tank at the aquarium 

At the funeral of my greatest enemy (I'll have to find one of those)

While wearing a pair of shoes owned by a giant

While cooking flounder fillets 

In a fireplace

At the wedding of an Iranian prince

During someone's labor

While kneading dough

While two-stepping

While translating a love letter into Chinese

In a refrigerator 

While cooking a meal for a bear

colin

Must Read - Articles by Colin Nissan (via McSweeney's)  The Ultimate Guide to Writing Better Than You Normally Do

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My Self-Portrait

Coat Drive

It's Naked Time

We Are the Family In the Photo That Came With Your New Picture Frame

It's Weird to Think That One Day I'll Photoshop You Out of These Very Vacation Photos

If I were...

If I were a feather would you stuff me into a blanket? If I were a couch would you hide change in me? If I were a parachute, would you wait until the very last minute after jumping from a plane to release me? If I were a tuft of hair, would you wax me? If I were a dentist, would you take my advice on flossing? If I were a cigarette, would you flick my butt? If I were a tomato would you turn me into paste? If I were a mosquito, would you swat me with one of those electric zappers? If I were a dollar bill would you spend me on a can of grape soda? If I were a tiara, would you wear me to a hopeful pageant? If I were a lottery ticket would you scratch me off with an ancient coin? If I were an ankle would you sprain me while attempting to run away from a tiger? If I were an ace bandage, would you turn me into a flesh colored dress? If I were a nasal infection would you do your best to kill me? If I were a bean sprout, would you devour me in a sandwich? If I were a rocket ship, would you look for me in nighttime darkness?