wig

I recently sent a fellow pacific northwestern artist amiga - Flatchestedmama - a sultry black wig. When ordering the wig, I carefully entered specific instructions for Flatchestedmama to potentially follow when wearing the wig. Since the instructions were lost in translation, I'll be sending these to her via email sometime in the next ten minutes. Here they are.  Instructions on how to wear this wig:

Wear this wig to bed one night

Wear this wig in the shower

Wear this wig while cooking a Greek inspired meal 

Wear this wig with a blue dress while humming "One Night of Sin" by Elvis

Wear this wig while crossing a border

Wear this wig while climbing a tree

Wear this wig backwards with a heavy false mustache

Wear this wig while canoeing across a waterbody

Wear this wig while declaring your love to anyone or anything at all

Wear this wig while hiking a steep mountain trail

Wear this wig while driving in traffic

Wear this wig under a series of hats

Wear this wig while reading and finishing a book

Wear this wig however you like

Give this wig a trim

Have someone else wear this wig and include a new set of instructions.

P.S. Flatchestedmama has spent the last five Mays wearing entirely gray ensembles. She calls this project Monochromatic May and it's better than fantastic. She also took the plunge and married herself. Check her stuff out HERE. 

wife

It's been two glorious years since wedding myself in the sparkly city of Danang. So much has happened, so much indeed. Most of which has been good, some of which has been not so good (but that's to be expected when you are dealing with a complicated mammal named FF). To further solidify this relationship I have chosen to commit to for eternity, here are some new vows for this coming year: When you stray from the path you clearly should be on, I will firmly place my hands on your ass and direct you right back to where you belong. 

Despite how much you enjoy lazing in bed wearing a mumu, I'll coerce you to get up - no matter how early - to greet the morning scents with your intuitive nostrils. 

Once a week I will cook you something fresh, innovative and delightful. 

Though you enjoy the English language as much as I do, there will be times when I shall only speak to you in a foreign tongue. 

I'll take you to woodland areas and exotic lands to bring you back down to earth.

I will not let any supposed superior take advantage of your toes, tits or brain. 

Even though I might sometimes seem as though I am deaf in at least one ear, I will listen to your deepest insides and feed them what they need. 

interview

An interview with my wife, Mrs. Felicity Fenton Today Felicity is wearing a navy blue sweater over a floral sweater dress. It's an in-between winter, spring and summer look accompanied by fuzzy cats flanking her seated hips. Her hair is messy and in need of a good trim and the mascara she applied this morning has now migrated towards her cheekbones. 

FF - What are you thinking about right now?

FF - Lots. The war in the Congo, the wilting flowers in the vase on the table, the Vietnamese tailor who is helping me out with some nude suits, the supposed resurrection of Jesus, chapped lips. 

FF - You know bag balm is good for all things chapped and tupperware is an ideal storage system for Jesus. 

FF - Yes, I remember you telling me about the bag balm and Jesus storage before. As per your recommendation, I keep Jesus in 13 various containers in both cold and warm storage. Every once in a while, I will open the lids and let a bit of Jesus ooze out. 

FF - What does Jesus smell like?

FF - Candy corn and rain mostly. But there have been a few times when he's smelled of quince pie, cow hair, boiled ham and molasses. 

FF - I hear Jesus is good for soup and stew cookery. 

FF - Potato leek and five bean. 

FF - Well what are you waiting for?

FF - I'm waiting for my man

FF - twenty six dollars in my hand

FF - Up to Lexington, 125

FF - Feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive

FF- I'm waiting for my man