How to wash your hair with gatorade and salt, how to sweep the floor while channeling a famous Urdu language songster, how to plant an herb with hands behind your back, how to pet your cat and really mean it, how to put your socks on while singing an aria, how to eat an apple in one bite, how to change a diaper with the help of your estranged neighbor, how to sleep on twelve tall pillows, how to properly handle rotten tomatoes, how to bark like a dog, how to roll-over, how to get a sunburn to look good, how to dive into a shallow pond wearing a cape and one athletic shoe, how to massage your aching knees after a day-long grocery shopping spree, how to pull your eyebrows out while writing a letter to your aggravating cousin Shmitty, how to take a deep breath in a hot shower, how to high five a clam, how to walk without bending your feet, how to break up with yourself after a fighting with yourself for much too long...
Missed Connections NYC:
Hi- trying to find a super nice guy and girl in their early 30s (?) that helped me this morning after a TRUCK ran over my FOOT. I was on my bicycle.
I think you live or work on Ludlow- accident site was corner of Ludlow and Rivington. If you are them, or know anything please email me.
I want to give you both a proper thank you, and also the assholes that ran me over are denying it now and I need witnesses. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'd really appreciate it. Thank you! Sandy seeing you at the Hampton Jitney brought back all the fond memories of our affair. Please let's meet again. okay can't believe i'm doing this but what the hell, right? you had glasses and dark hair and sat across from me reading a magazine. wish i'd asked if you were actually from wisconsin... maybe we can get coffee together sometime... We were getting off the 1 subway at 79th Street, you were in a blue hoodie and bearded and bespectacled and just dreamy. I told you about the scourge of pickpockets who razor people's pockets, and you replied oh so charmingly about knife resistant backpacks. What I meant to say when I brought up the topic was not about pickpockets at all. It was about how charming you looked and how I wondered if maybe you would take my number and maybe we would live happily ever after. Or at least have a coffee. My major mistake. Were you charmed enough by my babbling to look for me here? I'm the guy in the corner office that introduced myself. We exchanged a few emails and then you came by my office for something. You seem like you are very friendly, cool intriguing, and would make a good friend. Let me know what it was you came to my office to do the first time, so I know it is you. I would like to get to know you as a friend. You were the hot daddy chewing gum and smiling at me. You were holding two umbrellas. Before I left, I told you that you shouldn't chew gum because it didn't look nice. If by chance you read this, tell me what I wanted to do with the gum. I'd love to get to know you better, while you are in town...or next time. Thanks for trying to tighten up the walking formation of your friends so I could pass. My bags were heavy, my day had been long, and I was ready to be home. Your gesture was much appreciated.
conversations overheard
Blips from conversations overheard 2:32pm: But he didn't even give me my keys back.
Those flowers look too much like vaginas.
Yeh, you've got to see them. They're sublime.
I don't wanna go!
How's your scramble? Scrambly?
I think I'd like to go somewhere else if that's ok with you.
I don't care what your policies are!
She was a good employee overall, but she called in sick WAY too often.
It just makes me want to live somewhere else.