Half the time after my short, (but still beneficial) sittings I jot down a few thoughts that arise. Here are a few post-meditation thoughts over the last month or so:
Impatience and physical discomfort. The need to move onto the next thing. Where does this come from? Only tapping into the surface and feeling bad about it. Rushed, yet bored. Sporadic breath.
Accomplishment. What is accomplishment? Where does my sense of accomplishment come from?
Waiting. For what? Thinking of the slowing of time. The quickening of time. Wanting to be finished to move onto the next thing. This is something I've noticed myself thinking a lot. What makes the past and future more enticing than the present? Association and fear. Past and future. There is no experience in the past or future. Now is where the substance is. Now is where my sensations linger.
Notions of peace. Relaxing in thoughts of peace - specifically a peace within others and not myself.
Is it possible to be an artist without ego? What is a desire for attention? Desire for love? Where do my fears of disappearing come from? Who am I disappearing from?
The difference between being honest and acting honest for the approval from others. Desiring approval and attention. Desire to be loved and understood by others yet knowing deep down, their approval isn't necessary.
The art of remembering. Am I remembering pieces of my meditations so I have something to say? Or are these memories there to be absorbed quietly and transformed into something else? Words can cloud. They are stubborn barriers sometimes.
To-do lists. Are they used to help focus and live more presently or do they hinder my ability to stay present?
Accepting fleeting thoughts. Distracted by a headache.
The field I used to frolic in when I was in Chile. I think of this as my safest place. What about this place makes it safe? Solitude. I was so alone there. I thrived.
What does quiet feel like? What is the sound of silence? Have I ever experienced this before?
What is anticipation? I find myself anticipating things frequently. Even mundane actions like taking a pee or putting on my underwear. I can't pee or put on my underwear fast enough. I often want to get to the next step - faster. Lingering is an art. I'll try to linger more to see if my sense of anticipation dwindles a bit.
Fatigued with a headache. Questioning the source of illness and my contributions to illness. Sugar.
Irritated. Frenetic thoughts. Little clarity.
Questioning moments without trying to pigeonhole each into seconds, minutes, hours.
Friendships. How am I nurturing as a friend? How am I toxic? Who do I make time for? Why do I make time fro these friends and not others?
Distractions. How do they influence my actions.
Distracted.
Babies. They create tight bonds between people. They are magic that way.
Remembering a time when a friend asked me whether or not I thought I was "open". I said I thought so, but I wasn't sure what being open really felt like. I think I'm still in the process of opening. And maybe we are only fully open when we've lived and died - fully.
Slowing my thoughts brings more clarification of those thoughts. Tuning into my inner lingerer is discipline.
Being corrected when I'm wrong. What is pride. Where does my pride come from?
How to argue and still be loving.
The sincerity of an exclamation point!
Paranoia and fear. What-ifs creeping in. They are temporary, but unwanted guests.
Hurdles - hurdling over hurdles. What is this action? Hurdling? What am I hurdling over?
Fear of being resented and disliked. Wanting to be loved, but not being able to love at the same time.
