Today, Sunday, May 24th, 2009, with the assistance of speedy animals, dragonfruit, and three lovely backup singers, I will be marrying the girl of my dreams...myself. Here are my vows:
I shall honor your mind and feed it the right amount of literature, dirt, spinach, pornography, and music.
I shall challenge you each day, and root you on with the help of backup singers and miniature cheerleaders.
I shall care for your body in sickness and in health, nourishing each follicle of hair and inner and outer cell.
I shall sing to you when you are feeling glum.
I shall give you the space you need to expand and make.
I shall look for you in crowded areas instead of sneaking away.
I shall not put up with your shit, and will spank any cantankerous behavior from your flatulent rump.
I will forgive you when you have betrayed me.
I will not let you falter unless you want to.
I will trust each of your actions and address patterns when they arise.
I will make you pay attention and keep your lungs afloat with breath.
I will follow you wherever you choose to go (even to N'Djamena).
I will massage your knees, elbows and chin each day.