Today, Sunday, May 24th, 2009, with the assistance of speedy animals, dragonfruit, and three lovely backup singers, I will be marrying the girl of my dreams...myself. Here are my vows:

I shall honor your mind and feed it the right amount of literature, dirt, spinach, pornography, and music.

I shall challenge you each day, and root you on with the help of backup singers and miniature cheerleaders.

I shall care for your body in sickness and in health, nourishing each follicle of hair and inner and outer cell.

I shall sing to you when you are feeling glum.

I shall give you the space you need to expand and make.

I shall look for you in crowded areas instead of sneaking away.

I shall not put up with your shit, and will spank any cantankerous behavior from your flatulent rump.

I will forgive you when you have betrayed me.

I will not let you falter unless you want to.

I will trust each of your actions and address patterns when they arise.

I will make you pay attention and keep your lungs afloat with breath.

I will follow you wherever you choose to go (even to N'Djamena).

I will massage your knees, elbows and chin each day.