I have been sifting tonight, sifting through old letters and photos of strangers and stranger versions of myself, and in this digging came across a letter two dear friends (Juliet and Lucas) left under my door (along with a rifle) to fend off a ghost that had most certainly touched me in my sleep on my left labia. I referred to this incident as the "ghost rape" and was fortunately saved by my two ghosthunter friends. Here is the letter: RE: Instance of paranormal activity at 131 Kilpatrick Dormitory - Occupant: Felicity Fenton
Ms. Fenton, Our team attempted to respond to your call regarding a "ghost rape". It is our feeling that although Kilpatrick is clearly haunted, we to date have received no other call such as yours. However, we feel that it is important and your safety is our #1 agenda! Attached you will find the Specterdead 3000 introductory model. This ghost gun is simple, effective and easy to use! Read the testimonies of former Goddard students and the result they had with this excellent weapon against the assault of ghosts:
"Before I was kept up all night, never able to get a wink, but with the Specterdead 3000 I was in control. No more ghostly presence in my room..." - Susie Specialbottom (Alum. 1995)
"Shitty Shoat, before Specterdead 3000, I was afraid of everything. My nights were plagued, I almost crappered my pants when I was alone in the room, something anyone can sympathize with, but now I can enjoy the all night security of a system I know works. It will for you too..." - Robert Ripperpants (Alum. 2001)
Good luck Ms. Fenton, if you have any questions regarding this product, please call 802-454-8311 ext. 661
FIRE AWAY!!!!!!!!