I stopped eating land mammals while working at Arby's at the bitter age of 16 . A combination of their unusually bouncy greenish meat and a spirited vegan co-worker convinced me to try out meat-free living for a while. With the exception of a few shrimp, rennet free cheese, and hen's eggs, I stayed away from land animals until 15 years later when I went to stay on a farm in Chile. The night I arrived, my gracious hosts prepared a beefy stew (made from the cows they grew on their fundo) so I forced myself to eat a few bites. It was then that I became a "few bites of land mammals every once in a while" kind of lady. In the last year I have become "a little more than a few bites of land mammals more than once in a while" kind of lady. It doesn't happen every night or even every other night, but it happens much more than my intestinal units would like.
Last week, after partaking in one-third of my man's cheese burger then slipping into a food coma, I awoke in the middle of the night with tit sweat fever and severe abdominal cramping. I had only once before experienced such pain - after eating a bad eggplant something-or-other in Kapadokia, Turkey. I was sick for months and terrified of eating food for it would only give my intestines a massive lashing. I lost 20 pounds and resembled Sigourney Weaver's pubic bone (which is gross).
Paranoid of experiencing a similar abdominal warfare, I went to my doctor (who I still haven't met) and ended up seeing a nurse practitioner (who I've seen before) to assess what my insides were up to. The nurse pushed on my stomach and told me she'd been seeing alot of gastrointestinal issues in the last month. It made me feel a tad better knowing I wasn't the only person suffering from ick, that there were other people walking around farting as much or as little as I am. With a curt, but convincing smile she said "The best thing for you to do is wait it out, do a cleanse and if you don't feel better in a couple of days we'll run some tests."
So I left the doctor (nurse), went to the grocery store and piled sixteen lemons, grade b maple syrup and cayenne pepper into my basket.
So far the master cleanse is working its magic! Tonight my innards are feeling spicy and a little less tangled than they were this morning. Happiness. Such happiness makes me want to sing THIS SONG while rolling about on the ground. So I shall.