Lovers

A year or so ago, in Italy, archaeologists unearthed two 5000 year old skeletons locked in a tender embrace. Supposedly they were young, supposedly they were reckless. An initial examination of the couple - dubbed the Lovers of Valdaro - revealed that the man (on the left in the picture) has an arrow in his spinal column while the woman has an arrow head in her side. Here is my theory:

The man, who I will refer to as Vinnie, was a handsome, lazy Italian who found no use working when others could do it for him. His neighbor, who I will call Sammy, had just returned from a long arduous hunting trip where a giant rat masticated part of his big toe. While Sammy recuperated under the shade of an olive tree, Vinnie climbed into his house and stole a large slab of freshly killed wild boar. Sammy's wife, who witnessed the event, screamed "Thief! Thief! You lousy good for nothing motherfucker!"

Vinnie ran with the slab of meat dangling over his shoulder to the next village over the hill and through the woods, where his lover, who I will call Maria, napped beautifully in a pile of dry hay. To wake her, Vinnie dropped the slab of meat over her lovely face. Excited by the smell of raw flesh, Maria awoke, pulled the meat from her face and demanded him to make love to her immediately. As they rolled about in hay, an arrow penetrated Vinnie's back, then another into Maria's side.

Unscathed by the arrows, they continued to make love until reaching a monumental climax which turned the sun off for 3.2 seconds. Afterwards the lovers pulled the arrows from each other, skewered the boar with them, and roasted it on an open fire. They feasted voraciously, fell asleep, then perished from the spoiled meat they had just consumed.