Want to know what's happening in America? Well here you go. A shark was found on the subway in NYC. It didn't ask to be there. It didn't leap from the Pacific into the train car to spend its afterlife on sticky black floors. But there it was, sitting there with a cigarette in its mouth and a metrocard tucked under its slippery fins.
There are stories as to how this creature ended up here. Pranksters pranking. Teenagers teening. Hipsters hipstering. Whatnot. But here's what really happened:
It was 2am. The ocean was warmer than usual. Too warm for a baby shark with a heart murmur. This particular heart murmur would morph into a full blown attack and cause the baby shark, now swimming at a comfortable distance from its mother, to perish instantaneously. The next morning, the baby shark would wash up onto Rockaway Beach only to be discovered by an elderly lady named Sue who, feeling lonesome and rather randy, would pick up the shark, finger its fins and stuff it inside her bosom for safekeeping. After an hour of absorbing the stench and rubbery skin of the baby shark, Sue would decide it would be best to let her finned friend go. But where?, she would think, looking around her favorite Italian bakery for a large potted plant to toss the baby shark into. Now, a half an hour late for work, sue would carry the shark onto the subway. When her stop arrived, she would take a cigarette from her bag, pop it inside the baby shark's mouth and stuff her unlimited metrocard under its somewhat bloated body. By doing this she would feel less guilty about leaving it all alone. At least it would have a little nicotine and plenty of gas to get around.
Later on, mainly out of pity for the sad, dead shark, someone would give it a chilled beer.